| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2009|04:20 pm] |
I feel better about things.
The situation I was in 2-3 months ago really fucked me up. Not just emotionally but it had the potential to do it morally. Nothing is worse than doing things for someone and being nice, and getting a null or negative response. It has the potential to condition you towards not being nice. For people without some sort of faith or strong moral background I'm not sure how they'd bounce back up. When all indications show that being kind results in being taken advantage of, then logically why would one continue to be kind? That goes through your mind at the moment, but of course, it isn't true in the end.
I'm in the middle of readjusting towards being trusting and kind again. I never strayed from the view of wanting to benefit others once, but the mental habit just wasn't always in line with it. The mental habit was "watch out," "don't trust," "toughen up," "be entertaining," "be good enough." Anyway, I'm back in the habit of focusing on others, though the fear isn't all the way gone, but it's about cut in half.
The cognitive behavioral therapy is really helping. Buddhism is beyond helping, it's the core. My relationship, which is great, is really helping. I figured being in a relationship would fuck up my desire, attachment, jealousy, and so forth. Those have arose at points, but honestly things are easier. My meditating is going much better. Focusing on others is going much better. Patience is going better. The person I'm with is awesome. Also, I flat out need the experience of being with someone who is into me equally, so I can get out of the old habits.
The amount of cognitive stuff I'm juggling is overwhelming. There's so much to use or borrow from that it's almost an art form. Like when you're stressed out, what do you do? Cognitive behavioral therapy methods? Which one? Or, do meditation? Which form? Sutra or tantra? Or do you just express yourself and yell fuck? Or listen to music? Wow. I guess dealing with those regularly makes my thinking more open and dynamic. There's no one solution to anything. Things are always changing. |
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| speech |
[Nov. 3rd, 2009|03:14 pm] |
Speaking or not should depend always on your motivation and the readiness of the listener.
Speak for the benefit of the listener and not your ego, always.
Whatever you say or communicate should benefit the other. If your communications are not beneficial, you're speaking from a place of hiding.
Critics show their true intentions by what they criticize you on. Listen to their criticism to know what they're missing in their lives.
If a person has never met you, but they comment on you negatively, they must be psychic or just plain angry. Forgive.
If you criticize anyone, make sure you're better than them. But if you criticize, are you better?
- Tsem Tulku Rinpoche
[compiled from his Twitter page, 20 hours ago] |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2009|06:12 pm] |
One of the biggest misconceptions I had when I was younger was that you have to be miserable in order to make good art.
If you're miserable, you work with it. If you're sad or angry or happy, you work with it; channel it into art somehow. That doesn't mean misery directly relates to art, it means you use the emotions you have, that is how screen actors work.
Happy people can be dull, but it's not happiness that creates the dullness. For people who are happy and dull, actually it isn't happiness, because it's temporary and built upon a shaky foundation. Therefore later on things are different, life breaks down and there's no wisdom or method to fall back on. With happiness you have to think long term, and what the happiness is dependent on; it's not as easy as he/she is happy or isn't happy, and I am or am not. If your mind isn't sharp, whether you're sad, or happy, or angry, then the result is usually negative.
Therefore a happy person can have a sharp mind. A happy person with a sharp mind can make very dark art, and utilize their mind more effectively, because it's working 100% with no obscurations, writer's block, or whatnot. Writer's block is definitely caused by things like anxiety, anger, depression. |
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| Acid |
[Oct. 27th, 2009|04:24 pm] |
amazing track. 303 play counts on iTunes. (which is ironic) |
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| preparing, patience, guilt |
[Oct. 27th, 2009|01:33 pm] |
One of the things I learned to do in the past year is to "prepare." It seemingly has a negative connotation though, "always preparing and not living life," or "being too organized," or "not being dynamic," etc.
That is so far from the truth. Also, anyone who knows me understands that I'm dynamic, maybe too much so, and so it's part of the point of being prepared.
If you want a result, you must create the supporting causes for it. That way of thinking is so important. Results only rise from causes. Instead of frantically grasping or going after things, and letting that lead the way, one just patiently creates the conditional factors for the result to arise, with that correct understanding or view while doing so. If one sees it that way then things slow down, patience improves, worry decreases, guilty decreases. There is a time and a place for getting frantic and graspy, and using that as a last resort to rush something through or get something done, but there is no reason for 90% of the rest of your time to be methodical and step by step.
There is no redeeming value to guilt. There is no Tibetan word for "guilt." There is "regret" -- when one recognizes that an action is wrong or could have been better, and therefore after the regret one applies remedial ACTIONS to prevent the behavior from happening again, or to repair the situation. Regret is a basis for creating insight and improving behavior; it means simply recognizing that an action could have been improved upon. It is not a basis for feeling terrible.
If one lingers on something they have or don't have, or frets about the future, it does absolutely nothing. I have what I have now, and where it came from it doesn't really matter unless it's pertinent to now, so I look at what actions to take to maintain what I have, or what methods to apply to achieve or gain something in the future.
Patience is such a vast and important concept. It's not just being calm during a traffic jam or things like that -- definitely not. It's accepting your current situation, understanding that it's already there, understanding the cause and effect behind it, understanding that the results you want will only come if you patiently create the supporting causes for it. It means not beating one's self up, among other things. Patience is acknowledging that things don't magically come out of nowhere, therefore it is the correct understanding at the moment that whether you want things differently or not, or whether you desire or hate something or not, that will not change the situation. The situation is already there from previous karma, so you create the karma to change it step by step.
For example (this used to be me a while ago), if a person is single and moping over wanting a girl or boyfriend, they should maybe try to get in shape, research what girls or guys like, read up, spend more time out, start talking to new people one at a time, build confidence, date someone who doesn't look perfect, get into that mode, and so forth. The point is GET MOVING and create the causes, and don't grasp at wanting something that's currently out of reach. It all relates to PATIENCE. I am not very masculine but I can definitely concede that whining, moping, not taking responsibility, and not taking action are completely detrimental, and I try to avoid them at all costs. That comes from Buddhism, not from some "Be a Man" Hulk Hogan self-help book. |
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| The Wheel of Sharp Weapons (section) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2009|08:53 pm] |
(114) When a vase has been filled by the dripping of water,
The first drops themselves did not fill it alone;
Nor was it made full by the last several drops.
It was filled by an interdependent collection
Of causes and forces that came all together –
The water, the pourer, the vase and such things.
(115) It’s precisely the same when we come to experience
Pleasure and pain: the results of our past.
Effects never come from the first causal actions,
Nor do they arise from the last several acts.
Both pleasure and pain come from interdependent
Collections of forces and causes combined.
So please, in this world of appearances only,
Let’s always be sure what we do is of virtue
And shun all those acts that would cause us great pain.
(116) When not making formal dissections with logic,
Merely letting life’s happenings flow freely on,
Although we experience feelings of pleasure,
In ultimate truth, this appearance of happiness
Lacks self-existence inherently real.
And yet on the everyday operative level
This seeming appearance has relative truth.
To understand fully this deep profound meaning
For slow-minded persons, alas, will be hard.
(http://www.berzinarchives.com/web/en/archives/sutra/level3_lojong_material/specific_texts/wheel_sharp_weapons_dharmarakshita/wheel_sharp_weapons/wheel_sharp_weapons.html) |
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| music stuff |
[Oct. 21st, 2009|03:55 pm] |
I love silence, and semi-dull music, music that doesn't go in many places according to mood. Even better is music that makes you think, is sort of rhythmic, etc. Anything that reinforces patience, not clinging or averting or moving away mentally, but that garners the need to investigate or look at things. Specifically in that category for me is ambient music, acid or some electronic music, jazz perhaps, etc. "Normal" music, that goes up and down and becomes climactic, I only listen to at night.
By the time I listen to it, I've been in a habit of, throughout the day, gaining joy through working on something, investigating, reading; a sort of patience that results in a good feeling that's different from "good." When you notice the work and patience brings joy then you gravitate towards that automatically, not by sensory things, wild imagination, and so forth. By the time the night comes around, the music I listen to is great to me, but it's not a big deal. I watch it in that manner, appreciate it, but don't linger or cling on it, or want it to stay or rely my mood on it. The joy comes from the focus of working, and therefore the joy from the music isn't necessary to rely on. The same goes for awesome meals, or television, drinking, etc. -- it's really no big deal, but you can appreciate it fully, and not in a normal "work/reward" or depriving one's self then indulging way, but just in terms of having focus. I'm really really not that good, but actually, by the time I start drinking at night, if I do, then it doesn't have much effect depending on how focused I was that day.
For people with full-time JOBS I'm sure that comes automatically. In my situation working part time, you have to focus on other things, which can actually be great. Insight is better than a pay check. A pay check is better than loafing around. Hard work is better than no work. There is no one set way, there is only the basis for doing it, the specific path, and the result it brings. |
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| experience and memory |
[Oct. 21st, 2009|03:00 pm] |
I used to be under the impression that ignoring problems, or "repressing" them, wasn't a good idea. It wasn't really an impression, but a concept I carried. So that resulted in analyzing them more, sort of dwelling on them indirectly. That really tore into my mind over the years, and made things worse.
Now I don't believe that. When a problem arises in my mind, I confront it yes, and apply methods to try to eliminate it or resolve it quickly, so it doesn't interfere with my thinking. That is sort of a different situation. I've reached the conclusion after meditating, or watching my mind for a few years, that the mind is just a center of experience. Information is thrown at it from all sides. Memories are information, senses are information, outside perception is information, and so forth. There is nothing concrete to them at all. Therefore the case is just mediating between the information, making sense of it, maintaining awareness and not lingering on any of it much.
Memories are not real. It is information fed to your mind, on a moment-by-moment basis, just like sight or sound. When a thought pertaining to the past arises, I just see it as a thought, conditioned by my perception at the moment. Proof of this is, if I want to escape from a situation, I start fantasizing or thinking about something pleasant. It could be a future event or a past event. The content doesn't matter. The initial function is my mind moving away from the situation, onto whatever object it can; it is avoiding or averting from the present moment. If something pleasant isn't there, like a cigarette or nice food, then the mind hallucinates something itself through memories, imagination, or whatnot. Therefore, when we imagine the past or the future, the subject or content of the imagined event itself pertains to the "past" or "future," but we are imagining it at that MOMENT based on other factors completely. We imagine things on a moment-to-moment basis for specific reasons. Our concepts of the past and future are not solid or real.
Then how does repeatedly thinking of a bad memory make sense? You see the event a certain way, and believe that is definitely how it is, and there are mental habits of going back and forth within that view. I do it alot. It's tricky, because you have to tear down your solid conception of things that happened. Combatting it means seeing it from multiple angles, every rational angle, until your initial view of the situation dissolves, and you realize "huh, it's not there." "It's not exactly how I thought it was." There are so many people I could blame for things, or things I could feel sorry about myself for. Don't look at the memory itself and linger on it, because you're only looking at a narrow perception of the event, and possibly reinforcing it. Look at it patiently from different angles. What was going through that other person's mind at the time? What were all the factors that resulted in the situation? Was the person really to blame? Where there choices I made that resulted in the situation? Should I have been more aware?
Even in US courts, witnesses will remember events completely different, sometimes even contradictory, and therefore the information has to be sorted out to find out a clearer picture of what happened. One witness's testimony is never considered the truth. Therefore, the method should be the same
It's harder to let go of, if it seems like the person did it intentionally. What were the causes that led them to having a motivation to harm? What caused their delusions that made them think, at that moment, that harming someone would somehow help them? Did they have any rational reason to do it? If they understood the full extent, would they have committed the action? Would they feel guilty now? If a person has the intention to harm, and follows through on it, and you are the object of their actions, then isn't it still based on their wrong perception at the time, of their own delusions that will ultimately bring them harm?
In the second case, if the person didn't do it intentionally, then how can we blame them anyway?
This is the basis I use for letting go, for my own sake. It's based on truth, and on seeing things dynamically, as they are. The person who caused the harm is out there somewhere else, completely different from how you viewed the past situation. Therefore, it doesn't mean faking forgiveness directly to the person, or allowing them back in your life, but it means having an intellectual basis to deal with the experience you have. Have compassion in the sense that people cause others harm based on their own afflictions and obstacles in their minds. That doesn't mean being a push-over, or allowing negative people into your life that will perpetuate harm.
So therefore, in the past when I sort of lingered on memories because I wanted to "unrepress them" or "not ignore them," it actually was just reinforcing my false perception of those events, and simply bringing up the pain again.
Recently I've been engaging in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. One of the methods the doctor prescribes is that "when automatic negative thoughts start to arise -- DO SOMETHING ELSE! Focus on something, distract yourself, DO NOT LINGER on it." Also he says that this is a TEMPORARY solution, not long term, but it is necessary. And I completely agree. Thoughts are so empty, and often times when you feel bad you can simply just go to work, or focus on something mind-consuming or productive, and your thoughts are completely replaced. That does not mean setting problems aside, because problems do arise and they need to be dealt with, but it means acknowledging that thoughts have no intrinsic relationship to reality, and therefore it is NOT necessary to dwell on them. The solution can be as easy as saying "fuck off automatic negative thoughts, I'm going to do something else." Of course, if one wants to eliminate that cycle it requires a thorough method and many approaches, not just this.
So this is reality. It is not theory. It is (certainly not by my authority) how the mind works. What's my motivation for saying that? Because typing things out is a good way to focus; that's what I'm doing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 13th, 2009|09:36 pm] |
Stephen Tobias
just looked up "jump her bones" in urbandictionary
Stephen Tobias
seriously had NO idea what the FUCK it meant
Stephen Tobias
after like 15 years
Stephen Tobias
of hearing it
Stephen Tobias
what the fuck does BONE refer to |
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| text to friend |
[Oct. 8th, 2009|08:50 pm] |
Thu. Oct 8 05:38 PM
Text to friend:
"I want to pour purplesaurus rex koolaid into a ribbed condom, shove it up ben franklins ass, and explode it when tim allens face appears during the home improvement theme song."
8:45 PM friend calls me back.
Him: Okay, I have a three questions.
Me: Does it relate to drinking?
Him: No.
Him: One, what is a purple sauraus.
Me: It's a flavor of koolaid, with a purple dinosaur on it, it tastes like grape.
Him: Number two: do you have a sexual attraction the founding fathers of this country. Either with their penises or anally.
Me: Maybe.
Him: Number three: why are you pissing in the toilet while you're on the phone.
Me: [actually peeing] Because I'm a piece of shit.
Him: Okay. I'm going to start drinking soon. I'm a loser - NO! I'll call you back. |
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| random stuff |
[Sep. 25th, 2009|05:51 pm] |
My foot feels like shit. Haven't been able to walk normally for a week, always limping.
I'm usually an impatient person, so as a result this is sort of forcing me to slow down, take things in, act more methodically. In that aspect I appreciate it, not in a cliche "stop and smell the roses" type of way though, but more thought and less physical action.
Physically, it's just from jogging too much, nothing happened to cause it. Haven't jogged in a week almost and besides walking around the house, or going to work, I haven't moved. It's not healing yet.
Also, the jogging, in part I was doing it so rigorously in order to have some contemplation time, and to cut down on bad feelings with the physical (endorphin) benefits of exercise. Both related to having mental stress. Now, that route is sort of cut off, and finding alternate methods or seeing situations differently has been good.
My mind has been in a good place recently. Haven't been able to say that for a few months. Good place doesn't mean being outwardly "happy," but being very calm and collected, more focused towards others again, able to catch thoughts and think sharply. |
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| The Man Who Planted Trees |
[Sep. 24th, 2009|06:27 pm] |
This is an amazing story/short film/animation piece, 30 minutes long, if anyone has the time or patience or is looking for something inspirational.
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 31st, 2009|05:55 pm] |
It's so easy to get caught up in "who's fault was who's" and "how did it happen," or trying to make sense.
Does it really matter? I have my own practice to focus on. Time is short. Other people have theirs too. If they don't, then they're wasting their time.
Personal problems are self-caused. When you focus on benefitting others then the personal problems may still be there initially, but they fade away, and you generate promising things that blow them out of the water. When you don't act at all and just look at "my problems," nothing changes. Actually from my experience, when you act frantically on the wrong things to escape from "my problems" it can also make it worse, so you focus on virtuous things. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 19th, 2009|10:34 am] |
Being a nice guy never worked out for me. I guess I'll try on being a jerk.
A Buddhist jerk. |
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