| The one who literally got away. |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|05:26 pm] |
I was in Willie T's and we were all smoking. They hadn't yet knocked down the street-side walls, and the smoking ban was new. I had walked in and while still sunblind, ordered a Ketel, rocks. I lit up a cigarette and before I could even down that first drink, the bartender and the other two people in the place were shouting at me to put my cigarette out. Gesturing at me, waving their hands with their palms down.
Now I'd been through this routine before. First on Cape Cod. Then Providence, New York, and so many others that I can't be bothered to remember them all. But this. This was Key West. The fucking Conch Republic! They Seceded where so many others had failed, after all. I was taken aback, but just before I actually snubbed out the camel, the bartendrix told me: Fuck it. I need a smoke too. She put out four plastic cups. a quarter full of water. All three of them lit up.
It's not that we care. I'm sure it won't last, the bartendirx told me: It's just that it's a new law and the gecko got fined just a couple of days ago. The bar and the staff. All of 'em got fined.
And one of the dudes piped up that Yeah, but that was the Gecko. This is Willy T's.
Well, that's why I say fuck it. Fuck 'em. He's not from here (she turned to me) you're from out of state right? We can just blame him, right?
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| More interest in places/things than people |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|02:04 pm] |
I haven't posted here in a long time. I was just wondering something today.
Are there other aspies who anthropomorphize places or feel greater connection/interest in them than people?
I know the stereotypical presentation of ASD is of the person who lacks interest in having friends and is obsessed with inanimate things. In my years of reading this group, I got the impression that many if not most aspies are in fact sociable and interested in having friends. I've tried to form a desire to bond with other people because I feel it's a requirement of society in order not to seem weird or possibly threatening to others. But I find that all my human needs are met by my life partner and I can't sustain enough interest in individuals that forming friendships would require. I even had to leave a support group for aspies in my university because my lack of interest in friends or ability to bond put me at odds with the others in the group and made them hostile towards me. For some time I thought this problem was caused by depression, but I think I've mostly recovered from the depression I experienced before, and I've regained the ability to feel pleasure. I feel profound longing when I think about my cherished places.
To me, I feel such personification in the foothills, trees, sidewalks, buildings, buses, etc. Even though humans created some of these things, they seem to take on a life independent of their creators and harbor a hidden personality that most humans can't sense. I feel a desire for oneness with them, sort of like how religious people feel with their gods. Human beings mostly seem shallow and unreliable when compared to physical things. I know that most people can't or won't appreciate such things in the same way, and that I'm not allowed to talk about thm in public because I might be seen as creepy or crazy. Even among aspies I think I am a minority, so I wondered what others thought of this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|01:43 pm] |
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So we are officially being kicked out of our house (by my aunt) and this week they've tearing down all the trees and plants we've had surrounding our house for the the past 20 years. And my dad just told me we're probably gonna move to some small apartment in...none other than the VALLEY....the place I dread the most. Now I'm going to be so far away from my everyone and everything that I know. And mom whom I'm already always constantly missing and hardly ever get to see anymore....now I will officially NEVER get to see her and I'll be stuck all alone in the sweltering heat in the worthless valley with nothing to do, until I find some miserable job. This is the house I've lived in since the day I was born. The house my grandma grew up in. It was built in the 20s. So much family history here and now we're being kicked out by our own family. My grandmother would be turning over in her grave if she saw what was happening right now. I'm so depressed I just want to go crawl into a corner and cry forever. Posted via LiveJournal.app. |
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| Brahmavihāras: Your Own Personal Pure Realm |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|02:28 pm] |
I know that most of you are disappointed that you either aren't a member of a Pure Land Buddhist school/transmission, or that you can't be due to other factors. The Pure Land Buddhists are taken to the Western Paradise after death by the power of Amitabha Buddha's compassion, where, after an indeterminate amount of "time", living in paradisal conditions and learning Dharma, they gain enlightenment. Taking a rebirth in the Pure Land or the Western Paradise is, then, the second-to-last step to full liberation. It is the best possible rebirth after a human rebirth in a Dharma-rich environment.
Fortunately for all of you poor souls, you have an alternative. Your "Pure Land Kit" comprises of two components that you will have to put in place before your rebirth reservations are complete:
1. The Three Characteristics of the Five Aggregates
2. The Brahmavihāras themselves
The Three Characteristics of the Five Aggregates are Suffering, Impermanence, and Non-self. All compounded phenomenon (that's all phenomenon, by the way) are marked by these three Characteristics. All phenomenon are unreliable and will lead to dis-satisfaction if you attach yourself to them or read a bunch of malarkey into them (which we all do); all phenomenon are temporary, and all phenomenon lack any trace of an eternal, "stand-alone" self, apart from everything else. Simple as pie. Look at everything you experience in this way, and you won't be building many attachments.
Once you have that, you only need the practices of the Brahmavihāras.
"The four Brahmavihāras are a series of virtues and Buddhist meditation practices designed to cultivate those virtues. Brahmavihāra is a term in Pāli and Sanskrit meaning “Brahma abidings”, or "Sublime attitudes." They are also known as the Four Immeasurables (Sanskrit: apramana).
THEY ARE:
1. Metta/Maitri: loving-kindness towards all; the hope that a person will be well; loving kindness is "the wish that all sentient beings, without any exception, be happy."
2. Karuna: compassion; the hope that a person's sufferings will diminish; compassion is the "wish for all sentient beings to be free from suffering."
3. Mudita: altruistic joy in the accomplishments of a person, oneself or other; sympathetic joy, "is the wholesome attitude of rejoicing in the happiness and virtues of all sentient beings."
4. Upekkha/Upeksha: equanimity, or learning to accept both loss and gain, praise and blame, success and failure with detachment, equally, for oneself and for others; equanimity means "not to distinguish between friend, enemy or stranger, but regard every sentient being as equal. It is a clear-minded tranquil state of mind - not being overpowered by delusions, mental dullness or agitation."
Now, Buddha gives you the piece of operative, practical advice to turn these two things into your own Pure Realm. Ready?
In the two "Metta Suttas" of the Anguttara Nikaya (AN 4.125, AN 4.126), the Buddha states that one who practices radiating the brahmaviharas in this life is destined for rebirth in a heavenly realm in their next life. In addition, if such a person is a Buddhist disciple (Pali: sāvaka) and thus realizes the three characteristics of the five aggregates, then after his heavenly life, this disciple will reach nibbana. However, if one is not a disciple, then after the heavenly life, they may still be reborn in a hell realm or as an animal or as a hungry ghost.
There you go. Enjoy the rest of your lives, and enjoy your Pure Land. And enjoy Nirvana, even though "enjoyment" really can't be used to perfectly or accurately describe that state.
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| human fear and divine love |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|06:46 pm] |
I would like to remind us today that in our faith, sin is not all we have to think about. The bible does have the big theme of sin and redemption, and sin and punishment, but I strongly believe that our christian religion isn't about these things only. God isn't interested only in our sins. And forgiveness isn't everything Jesus wants to give to us. There is also room, great room, for simply enjoying life WITH God.
In my view, original sin actually is the desire and finally the practice of living life without God. This desire can come about through pride, but it can also come about through fear. And when we overdo the whole theme of sin and its consequences, this coupled with our human propensity to fall and to fail the ideal, this can lead into a lot of fear.
I believe it is essential that we develop peace with our Father. And one part of the way getting there is finding and seeing the many mercies of God which He has put into our lives in so many ways. Wouldn't it be good to become more attentive to these mercies? Not just to receive them on the fly, but actually with open eyes and open hearts?
Many years ago when I was still a seeker I made the horrible mistake of believing that I had to hate the world, the Earth actually. I felt I was meant to see the Earth as a terrible place, a place that only holds hostility to the righteous, and that not just from man, but from plants and animals, from the sky and from the ground.
But thank God, this is not the truth. God gave us a world that is really beautiful, and with the application of some wisdom, it is a safe world to live in. Consider this bible verse:
Yea, I will rejoice over them to do them good, and I will plant them IN THIS LAND assuredly with my whole heart and with my whole soul.
Jeremiah 32:41 (emphasis mine)
We shall not be rootless. We shall not wander the world like ghosts. God does not demand a lot and then leave us on our own. Instead He prepared a Promised Land for us, which is this world, and of course He finds it pleasing if we love it deeply. How could it be different?
Take some time and try to always let God into your life, not just when it comes to your sin and to your sufferings and to your fears. You are born again in Christ, you have new eyes. These new eyes are very keen on seeing things in nature new to you, the hint at God which lies in the beauty of autumn leaves and calf eyes, in the taste of peanut butter and a good beer.
I don't mean to draw you away from resisting sin and pursuing righteousness. But I am concerned that sometimes we might forget and forego on a beauty in our lives which is entirely unnecessary and pointless.
Draw closer to God in all things, not just in the difficult and heavy things! He is your Father! He is our Abba and our Shepherd!
God bless! |
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| I miss Crazy Mary. Nobody here even remebers who she is anymore. |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|08:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
I've been pretty depressed down here. I seem to have this memory of a Key West that I may have independently constructed all by myself. A Key West without touristas and New York Priced drinks. A Key West where people are not creepy rich or creepy, period. I don't know if there was a tipping point, and I'm just being too myopic to realize that I missed it, or maybe it was a personal tipping point, and now that I'm fucking scared of the the police like an ex-con I simply can't enjoy myself anymore. Except in seclusion.
I thought that Plainview's state, the way he lived, at the end of "There Will Be Blood" looked pretty fucking appealing and not at all the lonely, pathetic existance they were trying to make it out to be. Of course I'd be sleeping with my head on a keyboard instead of a Bowling Alley-gutter, but none-the-less...
The last time I was down here I was really skittish. It was only about a month after I'd been arrested and charged with the felonies. I didn't know what was going to happen. I did know that a condition of my bail was that I wasn't supposed to leave Hillsborough county. I drove down from St. Pete doing 5 miles an hour under the speed limit. That's a long fucking drive. Especially across Deer Key. If you know what I mean.
The last time I was here I went to the raw bar once, and I think I went to the Fed-Ex out by the airport once. That was as far as I went from this dock. I didn't even go to the Green Parrot, and that's two blocks from here. The good times I remeber being here make me remember being here and getting swallowed up, rolled up. Smothered so that I'd have to escape and go play with the cats down at the Hemingway house through the gate in the wee hours. But that was september of '01, and there wasn't ANYONE in this town except for the Conchs. I got swallowed up because I had the town to myself. There was Magic in the trees.
Now, despite all the touristas and speed-boat racers clogging every bar and street corner, this place is fucking empty. It's lonely, even when you are with someone you know. It's one big boutique for chrissakes. Nothing but an expensive boutique.
The time I was here before last, I fell in love. Real love. It lasted all of three hours, but it was probably the purest relationship I ever had...
I'd tell you about it, but I have to go to work. I work every single day out here. Don't forget that. I have no time to be sad. I have no time to be depressed. I don't even have time to cry. I wish I could at least have that. I wish I could at least tell you about the love of my life that I met and lost on Duvall. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|03:23 am] |
Went to see SIMPLE STUDIOS with Mike J. It was Halloween night, so we were the only ones there (they gave us tootsie rolls) and the miserable wet weather and streets full of costumed partiers made it hard to get around. Poor Mike is having dental troubles with an oversized bridge (A Bridge Too Far, we’re calling it) and hopefully will not be affected on Monday at our podcast for SPARROW, Alexandria’s play. He is also going to Canada and hopefully will get back without incident for Larry’s reading. I have Doug more or less lined up, just in case.MAN WITH THE GUN
Another good Mitchum performance. A low-budget movie with Mitchum against Dave Barry as a Kingpin like villain trying to take over a valley and every farm and town in it. Claude Akins, Leo Gordon and others are minor villains. Jan Sterling is the love interest, John Lupton and Karen Lawrence the young couple, Emile Meyer a pretty good blacksmith. No surprises but well executed.
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| What to do when totally annoyed? |
[Nov. 14th, 2009|09:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
I've been reading a lot about Buddhism over the past year or so.
I've grown up reading bits and pieces about it and I try with all my might
to live the right way, trying not to harm living beings.
I've been a vegetarian for the past 7 years and I concentrate on the good in people.
But for this moment at hand, I'm completely annoyed.
It involves someone that I've known for quite some time, yet not well.
We are passing acquaintances, she used to be a co-worker of mine.
From the beginning, she has always grated on my nerves, though I really couldn't say why.
And I find myself now, since I even more strongly feel that she and I were
likely adversaries in a previous life, that my feelings are somehow...justified?
So tonight, I was on Facebook, and though I have not seen or heard anything about her
for soooo many years, I see her name and I'm annoyed like I can't believe.
I don't know how to deal with the annoyance.
Meditation when I feel this way I know won't help.
Venting this out this way I know will.
I guess my question to you all is, is it wrong to just think that my past bad dealings
with someone makes inwardly loathing someone okay?
I know it doesn't, maybe I just am not sure how to deal with it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2009|07:43 pm] |
I love this. Check out her other youtube stuff, as well. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2009|05:45 pm] |
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I'm so tired:( I don't think I've been sleeping well for the last few days. I know I haven't been eating well. It's so hard to get myself moving in the right direction, even when I actually know what that is. |
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| Prayer Request |
[Nov. 14th, 2009|10:14 am] |
Hello everyone,
I'm looking for a prayer request to help with my anxiety and emotional instabilities lately. I'm not sure what's causing it but my hands have been shaky and I've been feeling nauseous and have scary thoughts come in my head.
I had the worst day yesterday with being afraid I was going to hurt myself or others. But I prayed for about an hour last night and just cried and today I'm feeling a lot better. I just want to lift this problem up to God and ask him to please carry this burden because I'm not strong enough to fight this alone. I also just got Creflo Dollars "Mastering negative emotions" and I want to take authority over my emotions! I would appreciate any words of advice or kindness.
God Bless you all! |
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| You Search Me and You Know Me |
[Nov. 14th, 2009|01:29 am] |
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The latest podcast is up, and can be found here. It is a reflection on Psalm 139, and the God who knows us better than we know ourselves. And again, you can subscribe to the feed here, or searching "Augustinian Spirituality" in iTunes and subscribing there. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2009|08:46 am] |
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I posted not long ago, asking how to go about getting a diagnosis, and got lots of useful and interesting advice (thanks, everybody!) and have decided to hold off on it. Money is, of course, an issue, as I've heard it's expensive. I do have insurance but don't know that I want to try to use it because, yikes, that sounds like a minefield. So I'm going to do a lot of reading and soul-searching and see what I can figure out. |
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| biblical eunuch the same as homosexuals? |
[Nov. 5th, 2009|07:01 am] |
Isaiah 56:3b-5
...neither let the eunuch say, Behold, I am a dry tree. For thus saith the LORD unto the eunuchs that keep my sabbaths, and choose the things that please me, and take hold of my covenant; Even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off.
Could this reference to eunuchs also fit for today's GLBT people? There are also bible verses that speak about people being put out of the synagogues for something, and God opposes it and doesn't want it that way. |
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| Christian Control Freaks Anonymous.. |
[Nov. 13th, 2009|06:57 pm] |
As some of you know ( or may not know) I am in the process for the peace corps, and am almost done with the process, to where I will be given a real departure date along with country and program details. This has been a really long and tiring process, and I am not the most patient person. Today, in talking with my father about this, I realized that for a 30 year old man, I am a bit of a control freak. This whole process has been beyond my command. My reaction, as a typical male, is to attempt to control the situation, press my point, get the bureaucracy to listen to me, get respect, get my point across. OF COURSE they need to listen to what I have to say, I'm leaving in January, how dare the world delay my master plan!
(Cue Sarcasm)
This may be typical, but it's certainly not faithful.. if anything it's faithLESS. One of the things I remember from my mission in Kenya is using what's known as the "4 Spiritual Laws" flipbook. This book has text and pictures to explain the need for a relationship with Christ. One section asks the reader to look at 2 pictures, one of a man on a throne and a man with a crown kneeling, the other shows the man with the crown ( God) on the throne and man kneeling. The person doing evangelism asks which one the person being evangelized relates to. Often they pick themselves on the throne. Perhaps I am that person.. the one who believes they can jump onto the thrown instead of letting God run things. This is a problem, and I realize I need to stop this before I become practically agnostic in practice.
Thinking of this, I came to the conclusion that my prayer should be that God would allow me to lose all control, to give it up,to let my careful planning fall ( perhaps even apart) at his feet, to trust that whatever happens with Peace Corps, it will be because it's the right thing, for the right reasons, at the right time.
Lord, Teach me to lose control!! |
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| Mantras and breathing |
[Nov. 13th, 2009|07:12 pm] |
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Can anyone recommend a resource on chanting mantras properly? I'm just starting and I haven't been able to get a good rhythm between the chants and my breathing. I'm left feeling rushed or breathless if I attempt to emulate the low, continuous stream that I've heard monks doing. |
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